Venting

So today, my self-esteem is a steaming pile of crap.

It started this morning at work. Last February, I joined our company “WIN” program (I think it’s for Wellness Initiative something-or-other). Today, I went in to recheck my blood work, blood pressure, weight, and checklist of other things like exercise habits, tobacco use (or lack thereof in my case), alcohol consumption, dental habits, seat belt use, and other “healthy” habits. I’m sure my cholesterol and triglycerides are just fine, and my blood pressure was nice and low-where it always is. Then I went over to step on the scale. Um, yeah, I think their scale is not calibrated correctly. It claims I’ve gained about 6 pounds since about a week ago. I’d be more likely to blow it off if my pants weren’t fitting a bit tighter than normal. Oh wait, my work phone was in my pocket! That’s got to be about 2 pounds, right? RIGHT? Okay, not so much.

Well, I was willing to let the broken scale problem slide. In fact, I wasn’t thinking about it at all once I started working. But then I went into the room with the patient who is deaf as a post. I pretty much had to yell at her to get her to hear me. And that was with her hearing aids in! As I’m standing there talking to her, she all of a sudden says, “Oh! You’re having a baby!” Wha-a-a-a-a-a-a????? Um, NO! Ha, ha, I laughed it off, told her my scrubs don’t do anything for my figure, and tried to just move past it. I would have loved to tell her off, but I would have had to yell her off, and I didn’t want to draw any attention from the nurses or other people in the hallway to the fact that I was just really insulted and feeling really s#*%ty about my body lately.

I have had my baby “pooch” for 38 months-ever since a 10 POUND 4 OUNCE BABY was surgically removed from my uterus. My stomach muscles never healed back to “normal”, and I don’t like to deny myself the sweets and baked goods. But the last time I was mistakenly identified as being pregnant was twice in the same day, by two different people, about 6 months after I had Caden. Needless to say I haven’t worn that top again, and I’ve stopped wearing my gait belt (ours are hot pink-fun!) around my waist and now keep it around my neck.

I have wanted a tummy tuck for about 24 months, but have waited, and will continue to wait, to determine if we’re done having kids, and, well, the money thing is sort of an issue as well. See, insurance doesn’t cover “cosmetic” surgery like a tummy tuck unless there’s some medical necessity, like some herniation or something. I don’t think I want to deal with the pain and discomfort of a herniation, so now I just need to win the lottery.

Oh, and to cap off the craposity of my body image, I’m getting a cold and Caden was a pill this afternoon. So blah. I’m in a lousy mood.